


detective eggplant

by thunderylee



Category: Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Humor, M/M, Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-14
Updated: 2008-01-14
Packaged: 2019-02-05 17:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12799359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: There are onlyeightseven of them. It shouldn’t be too hard to find the culprit.





	detective eggplant

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck.

The door to the Kanjani8 practice room flings open, and Murakami Shingo strides in through a cloud of smoke. It’s quite an overdramatic entrance considering he’s wearing a bathrobe, but those damn Kansai Juniors had gotten into the fireworks and were shooting them off down the hallway at people they didn’t like.

They didn’t shoot any at Shingo because they wanted to live. The “Hina-Monster” has quite a reputation amongst the Jimusho, and not just because he looks scary when he bares his teeth.

“Hina-chan!” Yasu bounces across the room. “Are you rehearsing in your pajamas today?”

Shingo looks down like he hadn’t realized he’d not gotten dressed. His fuzzy purple slippers stare back up at him and he frowns for a second, then jerks his head back and glares in seven different directions at once. “Which one of you fuckers stole my pudding?”

“Uwa~!” Subaru cries, hiding behind Yasu, the little good that would do. “It wasn’t me, I swear!”

“It’s six-thirty in the morning,” Ohkura yawns, not even sparing Shingo a glance in favor of his fingernails, which are _much_ more interesting. “Don’t tell me you eat pudding for breakfast.”

“Not the point,” Shingo hisses, immediately suspecting Ohkura for his lack of compassion. He’s like that normally, though, so Shingo decides to let it go for awhile. “Everybody in this building knows that any pudding in the fridge is _mine_ under penalty of _death_.”

“Yes, we know,” choruses everyone except Ohkura.

“Not me!” Yoko declares quickly.

“Not me!” Maru and Yasu catch on.

“I already said it wasn’t me!” Subaru yells.

Everyone looks towards Ryo, who is sleeping.

“Do you think Ryo-chan did it?” Yasu stage-whispers.

“Don’t want your fucking pudding…” Ryo mumbles, turning over onto his stomach.

“Not with that figure,” Subaru points out. “I mean, look at that _ass_. He hasn’t had a bite of junk food in at least three weeks.”

Shingo considers this, mostly as he considers Ryo’s ass. Nodding to himself, he clears Ryo and indirectly Subaru, because Subaru is a bad liar and doesn’t even like pudding. “Ne?” he says out loud.

Subaru nods frantically.

However, Shingo’s head turns towards Yasu, who was quick to accuse Ryo, wasn’t he? Yasu squeaks and hides behind Subaru, who barricades him like Yasu’s his precious.

“Sho-chan didn’t do it either!” Subaru wails. “He’s been with me since we got here.”

“Ne, that’s not true,” Yasu speaks up. “I went to the bathroom about twenty minutes ago.”

“Precisely when the pudding was reported missing.” Shingo folded his arms knowingly. “I received a tip-off from a reliable source.”

“ _Eh_?” six voices exclaim. “Tip off?”

“Who’s more of a reliable source than _us_?” Maru demands, putting on his sad face.

Shingo immediately clears Maru, just because he is so damn cute.

“We are missing something very important here,” Yoko says slowly, stepping towards the center of the room. “Let’s say someone in this room _did_ steal Hina-chan’s pudding. What are they most likely to do with it?”

Yasu’s arm shot into the air. “Ooh, ooh, I know, I know!”

“Yasuda-kun?” Yoko calls.

“They would eat it!” Yasu announces jovially, smiling with his entire mouth.

“They would _eat_ it,” Yoko repeats, nodding at Yasu before turning to the others. “Now, since I doubt anyone here has had the chance to brush their teeth in the past twenty minutes, the interrogation method should be obvious.”

Shingo blinks. “Breath test?”

Yoko chuckles, in that evil way that has half of the room cringing and the other half somewhat turned on. “I wish it were that easy. However, pudding loses its scent almost immediately, and most of us have had coffee as well.”

Subaru’s face brightens. “Are you suggesting..?

“Detective Eggplant,” Yoko says firmly, standing in front of Shingo. “You must conduct a taste test.”

Ohkura rolls his eyes and lights up a cigarette, pulling open the window to keep from getting busted. “It’s too early for this shit.”

“You mean like…” Shingo says slowly, his eyes widening.

“Yuu-chan is brilliant!” Yasu explodes. “This way Hina-chan will know without a doubt who _really_ stole his pudding!”

Shingo’s still putting it together. “… I have to…”

“Yes,” Yoko answers the unasked question. “You have to kiss the suspect.”

Shingo gapes.

Subaru whoops and exchanges high-fives with Yasu.

Ryo groans into his makeshift pillow, conveniently covering his face.

“Not just kiss him,” Yoko reiterates, speaking towards the ceiling with a last-minute glance over his shoulder as he adds, “You have to _taste_ him.”

“So dirty,” Subaru mutters approvingly.

“Me first!” Yasu squeals, jogging up to Shingo and puckering his lips.

Shingo smacks him on the head. “Too quick to agree. You’re cleared.”

Pouting, Yasu joins Subaru on the “innocent” side of the room, next to Ryo and Maru.

Shingo eyes Maru suspiciously. He looks nervous, fidgeting with the strings on his pants and refusing to meet Shingo’s eyes.

Yoko’s voice rings in his ears. “You only get one chance.”

“Eh?” Shingo strains his neck back to Yoko. “What kind of interrogation is that?”

“Either you find the true culprit or you falsely accuse someone,” Yoko explains. “If you’re wrong, the mystery goes unsolved.”

“Why don’t you do it, then?” Shingo argues. “This was all your idea.”

“How do you know I’m not the thief?” Yoko’s lips curl up in the faintest of smirks. “Suit yourself, Hina-chan. You can go on _never_ knowing who got to enjoy your delicious chocolate pudding.”

The room becomes deadly quiet. “How did you know it was chocolate?”

Shingo starts to step towards Yoko, sheer determination of his face. Yoko pales a little but stands tall, ready to accept his fate. As he gets closer, the fire boils in Shingo’s veins; he knows _exactly_ who the culprit is given all of the clues thus far.

Which is why he pushes Yoko out of the way and continues across the room towards the window, where he pulls the cigarette out of Ohkura’s mouth and descends upon him.

There’s a collective gasp as Shingo conducts his test, finding it to be positive within seconds. That doesn’t stop him from carrying on for quite awhile, just to be sure.

When he finally pulls away, Ohkura won’t meet his eyes.

“What do you have to say for yourself, pudding-snatcher?” Shingo rasps.

Ohkura blinks up with a serious look on his face. “The spirit of Uchi made me do it.”

“Good work, Hina-chan!” cries Yasu, sounding impressed. “How did you know?”

“Well,” Shingo says proudly, smirking a little as he turned to face them all. “He never actually came out and said he didn’t.”

“Neither did Ryo-chan,” points out Subaru, clearly interested.

“I’m not done,” says Shingo, and everyone listens. Even Ohkura, who’s having this compulsion with licking his lips. “When Yoko started in on his fool-proof plan – which was a total diversion to make me think it was you, asshole, don’t think I missed that -”

Yoko winks and does his tongue-in-cheek thing.

“- Tacchon _immediately_ lit up a cigarette, to _hide the evidence_.” Shingo smiles smugly at Ohkura, draping himself over Ohkura’s seat and looking down into his eyes. “Too bad it didn’t work very well.”

Ohkura clears his throat and stares back just as hard. “You’re a shitty detective, Eggplant. You had a fifty-fifty chance and guessed right.”

“Still not done!” Shingo yells, punching his forefinger towards the ceiling. “Will the ‘reliable source’ step forward, please?”

Another collective gasp sounds as Yasu peels himself away from Subaru and takes one step towards Shingo.

Ohkura bursts into laughter. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“If it had been anyone else in this room, Yasu would have told me directly,” Shingo says firmly, pacing the floor. “Yasu would lie for only you, and what a good little liar he is.”

Yasu grins, and Shingo can’t help but pet him on the head.

“I didn’t know right away,” Shingo admits, “but as the clues piled together, I figured it out.”

“Ne, Hina-chan is smart,” Maru says with a proud smile. “You should be a detective for real!”

“God help us all,” Ohkura mutters.

Yoko claps his hands. “Now that we’ve discovered the identity of the pudding thief -”

“I’d do it again!” Ohkura declares.

“I bet you would,” Ryo mumbles as he stretches awake.

“- Let’s get to work!” Yoko finishes.

“Wait, wait!” Subaru cries. “If Hina-chan – I mean, if Detective Eggplant can find things that are stolen, maybe he can find things that are lost too!”

“Did you lose something?” Shingo asks seriously.

Subaru bites his lip to hold in his amusement. “Yes, yes I did!”

Maru snorts, and Shingo swears they share a brainwave.

“What did you lose?” he prompts, not sure he wants to know the answer.

Subaru’s grin could light up Osaka at night. “My virginity!”

Snickers and groans fill the room, and Hina smacks Subaru in the head.

“Ne, ne, find mine too,” Maru chokes through his laughter, leaning forward in preparation for his smack.

“You are both a fucking riot,” Ohkura deadpans. “And for the record, Eggplant, your pudding was _delicious_.”

“I know,” Shingo replies bitterly. “Fucker.”

Ohkura leans over Shingo’s shoulder and sticks out his tongue. “There still might be some left.”

Shingo grins and decides to thoroughly investigate the suspect in custody, just to make sure.


End file.
